JOKE OF THE MONTH

Ahead of the general election scheduled for 4 April, which is expected to generate a record-low turnout owing to the ongoing Covid-19 pandemic, Boyko Borisov's chief prosecutor, Ivan Geshev, conducted a number of spectacular busts with an obvious potential for publicity. He cracked an alleged ring of spies for Russia, including some senior officials in the Defence Ministry and in various other state agencies. The group, according to the prosecution, sold sensitive military information to Russia – and received payments from the Russian Embassy.

The picture, in oil, executed in the best (or worst) traditions of late Socialist Realism was immediately picked up by social media users. They were quick to come up with their own variants, ridiculing Bulgaria's Borisov whose authoritarian methods they claim increasingly resemble those of his Communist-era predecessors.

The Bulgarian Council of Ministers sent out a press release that the picture in question was one of a series of artworks commissioned by Arkad Engineering & Construction, the Saudi Arabian contractor for the pipeline project.

The overwhelming majority of Bulgarians wait in earnest for the sauerkraut, or kiselo zele, to ferment, or vtasa. Given the right preparation (in a plastic container called bidonche, stored in a basement, daily circulation of brine, or pretakane) and favourable weather conditions (neither too warm, nor too cold) the year's yield of sauerkraut should be in just ahead of Christmas.

The tweeting machine is set in motion, slamming anyone the president for reasons that will probably remain a mystery forever considers a "hater" and a "loser."

Tsv. Tsv., as he is sometimes popularly referred to, is the head of the Euro-Atlantic Centre for Security, a thinktank set up by himself when he was forced to resign from GERB, in 2019. Tsvetanov and "thinktank" in the same sentence? – some cynics Bulgarians have wondered. In actual fact, Tsv.

According to him, there were anywhere between 100,000 and 120,000 "virtual animals" getting about 20 million leva per year, adding the grand total was a lot more as there was no reliable data about virtual cows and bees.

Both Borisov and his North Korean counterpart, Kim Jong-un, like to be seen inspecting things. In this way they want to assert their authority over the production lines and display their munificence owing to which these production lines were installed in the first place. Kim Jong-un is usually photographed surrounded by stern-looking Communist officials holding little notebook pads in their hands to jot down any wisdom that may come from the Supreme Leader's mouth. In Bulgaria, Boyko Borisov does the driving himself in his private SUV.

Boyko Borisov, Bulgaria's prime minister during the past 11 years, may have many faults, his critics say, but he is without a doubt a master of the Bulgarian language. Borisov's virtuoso use of the lingo plays on many levels. His uncouth nativism enchants some domestic audiences, especially cab drivers and horsecart repairers. At the same time his obsequious promises of police cooperation endears his Western counterparts.

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Covid-19 is like a cuckold. Some people are. Others will be. Yet others never realise they have been.

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Quarantine is a demo version of retirement. There is no money. And there is nothing to do.

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One of these traits, the Bulgarian inimitable propensity to make a hash of things because someone, somewhere did not understand what was going on, and as a result suddenly hurdled themselves in blissful yet innocent astonishment, made the rounds in the sunset days of Communism when this country was supposed to start manufacturing... personal computers. The joke went on something like that: "It has transpired that the computers we were supposed to export to Japan turned out not to be computers but compotes. And we didn't export to Japan, but Japan sent them back to us."

In the age of the Internet, verbal jokes are no longer in fashion, however. Memes rule supreme.

Here is a quick selection done during a couple of days prior to this journal going to press. The main "hero" in them is, predictably, Gen Ventsislav Mutafchiyski, an army doctor and chief of the Military Medical Academy in Sofia, who was appointed to head the state of emergency headquarters.

This is not even a case of the Czech artist, David Cerny, who infuriated the Bulgarians so much with his Entropa installation in Brussels, in 2009, that the Sofia government formally requested the section of the artwork depicting our motherland as... a Turkish squatting toilet be enshrouded in a black veil because it caused offence.

Trump commended his ally, Bulgaria, for spending as much as 3 percent of its GDP on defence (Germany should take an example of that, according to Trump) and for having recently concluded a deal to buy some US F-35 fighter jets (Bulgaria is actually about to buy F-16s). Speaking at the National Democratic Institute in DC Borisov told the Americans to "go on quarrelling at home," but assured Bulgaria would welcome both Republicans and Democrats.

The Central Elections Commission, the authority that sets the rules for elections and ensures they are being followed, imposed a fine on bTV, a major private television broadcaster, for airing a report on... the controversial renovation works in central Sofia.

As the EU announced it was lifting its monitoring for the supremacy of law in Bulgaria, the newspapers went on with one of their favourite topics: crime. Here are a few examples.

Out of sight, out of danger, he reasoned, provided the diplomatic appointees felt sufficiently content in their jobs not to stir up any trouble from wherever they had been sent to. Boyko Borisov, Zhivkov's bodyguard and now prime minister of Bulgaria, likes to tell his voters that he protects them from Communism, but apparently he has perfected the art of stashing delinquent officials away by providing them with comfortable diplomatic appointments abroad.

The National Revenue Agency people have asked the taxpayers to change their EGNs.

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A guy asks: "Are you not scared anyone now knows your EGN, your salary and your taxes?"

"I don't give a damn," his friend replies. "They will drop dead laughing."

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The National Revenue Agency has just released the names, EGNs and mobile phone numbers of all 25 people who had not had their personal data hacked.

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In the Council of Ministers:

"Once upon a time in Japan they carried old people and left them to die in the forest."

"Mr Prime Minister, do you have any other suggestions about the pension reforms?"

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The job of the prime minister is very difficult. Wherever he looks, he sees people stealing. Yet, he cannot punish anybody because they all belong to his party.

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"Why are there no Bulgarian politicians working abroad?"

"Because abroad they need people with skills and intelligence."

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Bishop Nikolay of Plovdiv (the one with the penchant for Rolex watches) even suggested Pope Francis anticipated and would welcome the Anti-Christ, at a later date. However, nothing that emerged from Bulgaria's senior clergy compares to the thoughts of ordinary Bulgarians as they resorted to Facebook to promulgate their hypotheses of the "real" reasons for Pope Francis's visit.

If Boyko knew the fire at Notre-Dame would overshadow Apartment-gate for a while, he would have set it himself a long time ago.

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Shabla (at the Black Sea coast) is ready to help Paris with 70 million. The sacks can be delivered immediately.

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Plovdiv Bishop Nikolay (who infamously covered some 19th century church murals with wallpaper) said he would donate some wallpaper to Notre-Dame.

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Half the members of the BSP, or Bulgarian Socialist Party, are nuts. The other half are corrupt. In GERB, the situation is exactly the opposite.